i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
