I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
