I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
