I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
