If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
