I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
