Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
