His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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