remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
