A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
