Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And then my night got REAL pukey
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
