They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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