why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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