if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Actions speak louder than pants.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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