so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
