how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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