i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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