Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
