and you said cock pushups were impossible
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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