he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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