He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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