So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When are your genitals available?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
