woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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