I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I think i got beer on your cat.
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