I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
