I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
