Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
