That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
