Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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