I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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