i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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