There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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