went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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