If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
