I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
