a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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