she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
