Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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