I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
