well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
