just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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