I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
