I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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