i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
