Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
bring money and cleavage
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
