thus making me awesome and them whores
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
