with your own penis?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
