it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
