apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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