ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
